Thursday, January 28, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Day 18
So I know God is around, is blessing this fast, He was nice enough to, and I know full well without HIS presence, strength and encouragement along with my beautiful hubby all excited and cheering me on, along with a few friends, I would have slipped up SEVERAL times. DAY 18!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the hardest time when making something hot, cheesy and bread related. I decided to intensify my fast these last 7 days-no broth or juice, only teas and the master cleanse cocktail: water, lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper.
In the spiritual aspect here's where I am at:
I know that God is GOOD-I know because He HAS been good-always been wonderful about pulling me through some very difficult situations that a lot tend to give ME credit for being STRONG through-but really it was the GRACE of GOD. I know that I was not just INCREDIBLY lucky my whole life but rather, BLESSED because even when I was in phases where I questioned GOD-I always KNEW He had his hand in all the good things in my life and the kindness to hold His hand out during the really bad. I remember situations in college when I didn't know WHERE I was going to live over the summer and though one door was slammed shut, an unexpected door opened and turned out to be a BETTER situation. I know that certain people I HOPED and even EXPECTED to be there for me have done nothing but turn the opposite way....but God reveals to me how HE was there, and provided other individuals to comfort me.....that my need was even wrongly placed on HUMANS who are totally imperfect, LIKE MYSELF!!!!!! God is there, always loving, always providing and always TEACHING-THANK you for that lesson yesterday God-that things aren't ALWAYS as they SEEM MONIQUE-you screwed up, LARGER THAN you wish, but you said you are sorry, now dust yourself off, hope for the best, and move on.......G-O-D I-S G-O-O-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have the hardest time when making something hot, cheesy and bread related. I decided to intensify my fast these last 7 days-no broth or juice, only teas and the master cleanse cocktail: water, lemon juice, honey and cayenne pepper.
In the spiritual aspect here's where I am at:
I know that God is GOOD-I know because He HAS been good-always been wonderful about pulling me through some very difficult situations that a lot tend to give ME credit for being STRONG through-but really it was the GRACE of GOD. I know that I was not just INCREDIBLY lucky my whole life but rather, BLESSED because even when I was in phases where I questioned GOD-I always KNEW He had his hand in all the good things in my life and the kindness to hold His hand out during the really bad. I remember situations in college when I didn't know WHERE I was going to live over the summer and though one door was slammed shut, an unexpected door opened and turned out to be a BETTER situation. I know that certain people I HOPED and even EXPECTED to be there for me have done nothing but turn the opposite way....but God reveals to me how HE was there, and provided other individuals to comfort me.....that my need was even wrongly placed on HUMANS who are totally imperfect, LIKE MYSELF!!!!!! God is there, always loving, always providing and always TEACHING-THANK you for that lesson yesterday God-that things aren't ALWAYS as they SEEM MONIQUE-you screwed up, LARGER THAN you wish, but you said you are sorry, now dust yourself off, hope for the best, and move on.......G-O-D I-S G-O-O-D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Day 11
WOW! I MADE IT!!!! It's day 11, I am down 10 lbs. and excited about starting over when I re-introduce solids and carefully so as not to undo all this hard work and detoxification. When we allow our spiritual selves to be in control, we are awakened in a way not really possible otherwise.
JESUS fasted for 40 days-and some might say, well, yeah but it was probably easier to do when there wasn't a McDonald's on every corner, commercials showing a new dish at your favorite restaurant. He didn't have children of his own to cook for every day. I also know that JESUS was fit, exercised a WHOLE lot just by lifestyle and terrain. THAT means he was burning calories better and hungry more often-and hadn't been stuffing His face with burgers and fries, processed foods, so His body didn't necessarily have to cleanse itself-He was out in the sun a lot-LOT more than we are. I'd even venture to say that HIS fast may have been even MORE spiritual.....and yet HE was tempted-Satan trying to suggest He turn that rock into bread-sure He could have done it. Jesus sort of isolated Himself and thus wasn't visually tempted, or by sense of smell was HE tempted but Satan still found a way to SUGGEST an easy way for Him to eat.
While fasting, working in the restaurant environment, I smell WONDERFUL things, I see the steam coming off of the fresh plates of pastas, sauces, cheeses and meats. It's not QUIET, so it's a bit harder to have that solitude I would so LOVE during this time. I have 3 children,and daily I have to do something crazy, you know, FEED them.
SOME periods of time I've had to leave the room because I don't want to HEAR them EATING, chewing, slurping whatever it is I placed before them-almost torturous-haha
This was a CHOICE-so mentally I know, sure I could scoop some noodles into a spoon and have ONE bite, sure and I could have done that 4 days ago, but this is IMPORTANT to me. GOD has been blessing it this far, why stop NOW?? MAKE A GOAL AND STICK TO IT MONIQUE!!!!!!!
This quote came to me via e-mail yesterday and at this point in time it is so PROFOUND: "To get something you never had, you have to DO something you never DID." Well, I can say I wasn't successful at putting a REAL effort into fasting in PREVIOUS years, but this time I DID pray for God's blessing, I DID decide to make a plan and COMMIT to it and here I am, a little over half way there. GOOD STUFF!
JESUS fasted for 40 days-and some might say, well, yeah but it was probably easier to do when there wasn't a McDonald's on every corner, commercials showing a new dish at your favorite restaurant. He didn't have children of his own to cook for every day. I also know that JESUS was fit, exercised a WHOLE lot just by lifestyle and terrain. THAT means he was burning calories better and hungry more often-and hadn't been stuffing His face with burgers and fries, processed foods, so His body didn't necessarily have to cleanse itself-He was out in the sun a lot-LOT more than we are. I'd even venture to say that HIS fast may have been even MORE spiritual.....and yet HE was tempted-Satan trying to suggest He turn that rock into bread-sure He could have done it. Jesus sort of isolated Himself and thus wasn't visually tempted, or by sense of smell was HE tempted but Satan still found a way to SUGGEST an easy way for Him to eat.
While fasting, working in the restaurant environment, I smell WONDERFUL things, I see the steam coming off of the fresh plates of pastas, sauces, cheeses and meats. It's not QUIET, so it's a bit harder to have that solitude I would so LOVE during this time. I have 3 children,and daily I have to do something crazy, you know, FEED them.
SOME periods of time I've had to leave the room because I don't want to HEAR them EATING, chewing, slurping whatever it is I placed before them-almost torturous-haha
This was a CHOICE-so mentally I know, sure I could scoop some noodles into a spoon and have ONE bite, sure and I could have done that 4 days ago, but this is IMPORTANT to me. GOD has been blessing it this far, why stop NOW?? MAKE A GOAL AND STICK TO IT MONIQUE!!!!!!!
This quote came to me via e-mail yesterday and at this point in time it is so PROFOUND: "To get something you never had, you have to DO something you never DID." Well, I can say I wasn't successful at putting a REAL effort into fasting in PREVIOUS years, but this time I DID pray for God's blessing, I DID decide to make a plan and COMMIT to it and here I am, a little over half way there. GOOD STUFF!
Friday, January 8, 2010
no food for YOU!
I know that seems silly but you know, I have needed to do something totally drastic for a while which is why this blog series is entitled F-A-S-T. (and NO, there's nothing FAST about it-wow some fragments of time are harder than others!!)
I am participating in something called IGNITE YOUR SOUL through church. Some are doing a total fast where you can only have water for x amount of days. Some are just eating veggies, fruits, and cutting out all dairy and meats. This isn't a sick form of torture, I swear.
It is, after all, BY CHOICE....and time frame of 1 day, 3 days, 7 days, or the full 21 . A time for us as Christians to seek some closeness with God, to rejuvenate our souls and NOT give our body what it wants all the time-not just food, but usually BAD foods, sugars, etc. Some are choosing a type of fast that-like during LENT-you choose one thing that's hard to live without for the time frame-like meat, or chocolate, or TV, Internet, what have you.
I chose the juice/fluid fast for two reasons; one-because I have never completely fasted past two days, and two, because I knew the ONE thing that would likely BE the biggest sacrifice is FOOD. I can eat all day long because I have children, I am HOME with them-which means easy to make, tasty foods in the house. Let's face it, they are cheaper!
Here I am on day 6-on the way home from a very sad funeral, I decided the best way to sort of treat myself for lunch without blowing it, was stopping at Best Lee's off Southern for some wonton soup. I knew speaking with the woman there would be difficult-English isn't so good but I still tried to ask for it WITHOUT the plump, delicious wontons. She had me repeat my request and asked if I didn't want the onions and I said the onions were ok, just not the wontons, her next Q was if I wanted the crunchy noodles and I said no, I was fasting, she didn't get it, so I said, dieting, still a blank look, haha. So I got home without the wonderful crunchy noodles-which was good, but discovered it was like she DOUBLED the wontons in my soup and wow, it was difficult to say the least to scoop them out, one by one to set aside so I could sip down that most WONDERFUL broth. I gave our doggie a REAL treat today that's for sure!!!! I even stabbed my spoon into the wontons daydreaming it was my teeth biting into them-so much about eating is enjoyable-textures, flavors, etc. I am so GRATEFUL that broth helps satisfy the taste buds a bit because I am certain I wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise.
I am shocked, appalled, and slightly disgusted by HOW many times a DAY I have had to snap my hand back when reaching OUT OF HABIT to have a quick handful of whatever I am giving my kids for snack, or take a bite of what I cooked because I LIKE what I cooked and to ensure I seasoned it right. I NOW know why I have failed at my attempts to diet-in the routine of chewing and swallowing, it's easy to slip in a TASTE of what the kids are eating along with my plate of veggies and tuna or what have you-that taste ALWAYS turned into a couple more spoons full. NOT EATING AT ALL eliminates those internal PSYCHOPATH negotiations I have fallen prey to time and again. IT'S NOT LIQUID< YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!!!!! EASY yet P-A-I-N-F-U-L! (except of course when I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered I had lost another 2.2 POUNDS since YESTERDAY MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) :)
I am learning about what GOD has bestowed upon my life,the many ways HE has been allowed to SHAPE me and at the core of who I am is a soul that wants to spread peace, kindness and joy. I do this best while at work, I am a server, I like to smile and have a good laugh with my co-workers, take good care of my guests, and laugh with them too if they are a friendly enough group. I had a manager there that gave me the nickname "Giggles" and it seems my whole life I have found that I end up with a nickname of some sort because people like the terms of endearment with me and it's good!
I have also, in the last couple days experienced the frustration of seeing a table of people I'd waited on before that were horrible to me but were in another server's section.
Two things were going on there in both instances-fighting the urge to give them a piece of my mind every bit as much as the day I was stressed out serving them and also, RELIEF that God spared me of having to wait on them AGAIN! HAHA
One good thing, I was able to forewarn my co-worker so they wouldn't have any high expectations and also was reminded how we are not to TAKE anything PERSONAL doing that job because the same couple that has left me NO TIP-after using a FOUR DOLLAR COUPON, TWICE-I might add, did the same to my friend. Totally different servers, and their behavior was exactly the same. Lesson learned.
My goal is to make it to the finish line with this fast, the 21 day mark, having consumed ONLY liquids, I am nearly a THIRD of the way there.
I am grateful for things God is opening my eyes to.....and positive about His blessings on this fast!!!!
I am participating in something called IGNITE YOUR SOUL through church. Some are doing a total fast where you can only have water for x amount of days. Some are just eating veggies, fruits, and cutting out all dairy and meats. This isn't a sick form of torture, I swear.
It is, after all, BY CHOICE....and time frame of 1 day, 3 days, 7 days, or the full 21 . A time for us as Christians to seek some closeness with God, to rejuvenate our souls and NOT give our body what it wants all the time-not just food, but usually BAD foods, sugars, etc. Some are choosing a type of fast that-like during LENT-you choose one thing that's hard to live without for the time frame-like meat, or chocolate, or TV, Internet, what have you.
I chose the juice/fluid fast for two reasons; one-because I have never completely fasted past two days, and two, because I knew the ONE thing that would likely BE the biggest sacrifice is FOOD. I can eat all day long because I have children, I am HOME with them-which means easy to make, tasty foods in the house. Let's face it, they are cheaper!
Here I am on day 6-on the way home from a very sad funeral, I decided the best way to sort of treat myself for lunch without blowing it, was stopping at Best Lee's off Southern for some wonton soup. I knew speaking with the woman there would be difficult-English isn't so good but I still tried to ask for it WITHOUT the plump, delicious wontons. She had me repeat my request and asked if I didn't want the onions and I said the onions were ok, just not the wontons, her next Q was if I wanted the crunchy noodles and I said no, I was fasting, she didn't get it, so I said, dieting, still a blank look, haha. So I got home without the wonderful crunchy noodles-which was good, but discovered it was like she DOUBLED the wontons in my soup and wow, it was difficult to say the least to scoop them out, one by one to set aside so I could sip down that most WONDERFUL broth. I gave our doggie a REAL treat today that's for sure!!!! I even stabbed my spoon into the wontons daydreaming it was my teeth biting into them-so much about eating is enjoyable-textures, flavors, etc. I am so GRATEFUL that broth helps satisfy the taste buds a bit because I am certain I wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise.
I am shocked, appalled, and slightly disgusted by HOW many times a DAY I have had to snap my hand back when reaching OUT OF HABIT to have a quick handful of whatever I am giving my kids for snack, or take a bite of what I cooked because I LIKE what I cooked and to ensure I seasoned it right. I NOW know why I have failed at my attempts to diet-in the routine of chewing and swallowing, it's easy to slip in a TASTE of what the kids are eating along with my plate of veggies and tuna or what have you-that taste ALWAYS turned into a couple more spoons full. NOT EATING AT ALL eliminates those internal PSYCHOPATH negotiations I have fallen prey to time and again. IT'S NOT LIQUID< YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!!!!!! EASY yet P-A-I-N-F-U-L! (except of course when I stepped on the scale this morning and discovered I had lost another 2.2 POUNDS since YESTERDAY MORNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) :)
I am learning about what GOD has bestowed upon my life,the many ways HE has been allowed to SHAPE me and at the core of who I am is a soul that wants to spread peace, kindness and joy. I do this best while at work, I am a server, I like to smile and have a good laugh with my co-workers, take good care of my guests, and laugh with them too if they are a friendly enough group. I had a manager there that gave me the nickname "Giggles" and it seems my whole life I have found that I end up with a nickname of some sort because people like the terms of endearment with me and it's good!
I have also, in the last couple days experienced the frustration of seeing a table of people I'd waited on before that were horrible to me but were in another server's section.
Two things were going on there in both instances-fighting the urge to give them a piece of my mind every bit as much as the day I was stressed out serving them and also, RELIEF that God spared me of having to wait on them AGAIN! HAHA
One good thing, I was able to forewarn my co-worker so they wouldn't have any high expectations and also was reminded how we are not to TAKE anything PERSONAL doing that job because the same couple that has left me NO TIP-after using a FOUR DOLLAR COUPON, TWICE-I might add, did the same to my friend. Totally different servers, and their behavior was exactly the same. Lesson learned.
My goal is to make it to the finish line with this fast, the 21 day mark, having consumed ONLY liquids, I am nearly a THIRD of the way there.
I am grateful for things God is opening my eyes to.....and positive about His blessings on this fast!!!!
layers of grief
This morning, I am sadly in thought of a friend and her daughter.........a significant loss of an eight month old baby boy (grandson of my friend-son of her daughter) due to some unexpected illness and the results of a final answer to settle their curiosity are pending.
What strikes me, anytime I hear news of such a thing is, how I can INSTANTANEOUSLY be back in my hospital gown in an E.R. on Dec. 14, 2007 having just delivered my fourth, lifeless child. Depending on the type of death that just occurred I may INSTANTANEOUSLY be in my 23 year old body, Feb. 25, 2002 wearing sneakers and a silly blue shirt with a duck's feet up in the air that reads "bottoms up" and being pulled into the Director's office at Kinder Care to be told by a complete stranger that my sister was found dead in her apartment earlier that afternoon. (all evidence pointing to suicide) Powerful-that punch in the gut we can get from our vivid, photographic memory. Those intense days that stand out from our lifeline when we realized, in that split second, NOTHING in our lives would EVER be the same again.
I always tear up, I feel my heart pound, and I can truly feel what that family is feeling in these first days. A lot of zombie like behavior, shock, your mind having to remind itself every MINUTE, that loved one is GONE. You feel as if in a dream, any second you will wake up and everything will be normal, and a lot of family is around, you are happy to see them and yet so bothered by what has brought you all together-especially since some of the family members haven't been around one another in YEARS........distance, jobs, our busy lives.
Though I never would have imagined it at the time, in those freshly painful days, I can say NOW (with one hundred percent certainty) that I am so grateful for all that I have learned FROM them. In those days I saw some of the biggest acts of compassion and human beings coming together to help, love, comfort and in totally unexpected ways. You see a side of people that you ordinarily don't.
Grief is so strange--after losing a baby girl I didn't get to know, I didn't know what to think about and how to express this deep pain. I tried writing poetry and it wasn't FLOWING.
I was sad, physically I was a mess-the body still doing what it is supposed to after delivery, I had to try and deal with milk that was meant for HER.....I'd considered pumping and GIVING it to a baby in need and it would have helped me lose weight, but couldn't bring myself to go through all that work, I was so weak and just trying to take care of the three other children-it was maddening, really. To miss someone you never HAD, to not have memories that could bring forth a real healing process and be grateful for the times you DID have-odd. Just some kicks I felt from her tiny body, a couple ultrasound photos, and happily her beautiful tiny footprints the nurses took the time to do for us. That was about it.
My support group SAVED me-no joke. A room filled with moms and a few dads that could sit there, openly share their pain, their story, all of us nodding, shedding tears, and understanding all the odd things associated with the loss of a baby. The awkwardness among co-workers when you get back to your job, the lack of compassion because well, you have three other children, it was for the best, yeah well tell that to my HEART, tell that to my BODY that wants her back IN THERE so she can finish growing!! The ANGER-the INSANE amounts of ANGER because I still looked so pregnant afterwards and people asking how it all was going, and "when is your due date again??" because so many didn't KNOW what had occurred and the trainwreck of having to give THEM the sad news. PURE TORTURE.
In my grief now, it's a different thing. I don't melt down as often. Two years out, I no longer battle hormones, I find JOY in the world, I can think of her and SMILE. I can see other babies and be SUPER happy for those parents knowing NONE of my experiences. I find that I can hug my Quinton out of nowhere because I can look at his nose and see my baby Emerie, that had exactly her big brother's nose.
I see pink roses and smile because in the one thing I COULD do for her, the memorial service, I was able to put together these beautiful baskets filled with pink roses and even found a perfect heart shaped pink, strawberry scented candle to have lit. Now, when I think of her, I will buy roses on my way home and set them in a vase, glass, whatever I have, and they create a sense of beauty in our home, and will light a candle for her.
Like today, my green candles lit, the pretty pink roses on my counter top, sadness for another family in a very painful situation, and strange joy I feel that my Emerie has a new play mate today, an eight month old baby boy I will be attending the funeral of in the morning.
What strikes me, anytime I hear news of such a thing is, how I can INSTANTANEOUSLY be back in my hospital gown in an E.R. on Dec. 14, 2007 having just delivered my fourth, lifeless child. Depending on the type of death that just occurred I may INSTANTANEOUSLY be in my 23 year old body, Feb. 25, 2002 wearing sneakers and a silly blue shirt with a duck's feet up in the air that reads "bottoms up" and being pulled into the Director's office at Kinder Care to be told by a complete stranger that my sister was found dead in her apartment earlier that afternoon. (all evidence pointing to suicide) Powerful-that punch in the gut we can get from our vivid, photographic memory. Those intense days that stand out from our lifeline when we realized, in that split second, NOTHING in our lives would EVER be the same again.
I always tear up, I feel my heart pound, and I can truly feel what that family is feeling in these first days. A lot of zombie like behavior, shock, your mind having to remind itself every MINUTE, that loved one is GONE. You feel as if in a dream, any second you will wake up and everything will be normal, and a lot of family is around, you are happy to see them and yet so bothered by what has brought you all together-especially since some of the family members haven't been around one another in YEARS........distance, jobs, our busy lives.
Though I never would have imagined it at the time, in those freshly painful days, I can say NOW (with one hundred percent certainty) that I am so grateful for all that I have learned FROM them. In those days I saw some of the biggest acts of compassion and human beings coming together to help, love, comfort and in totally unexpected ways. You see a side of people that you ordinarily don't.
Grief is so strange--after losing a baby girl I didn't get to know, I didn't know what to think about and how to express this deep pain. I tried writing poetry and it wasn't FLOWING.
I was sad, physically I was a mess-the body still doing what it is supposed to after delivery, I had to try and deal with milk that was meant for HER.....I'd considered pumping and GIVING it to a baby in need and it would have helped me lose weight, but couldn't bring myself to go through all that work, I was so weak and just trying to take care of the three other children-it was maddening, really. To miss someone you never HAD, to not have memories that could bring forth a real healing process and be grateful for the times you DID have-odd. Just some kicks I felt from her tiny body, a couple ultrasound photos, and happily her beautiful tiny footprints the nurses took the time to do for us. That was about it.
My support group SAVED me-no joke. A room filled with moms and a few dads that could sit there, openly share their pain, their story, all of us nodding, shedding tears, and understanding all the odd things associated with the loss of a baby. The awkwardness among co-workers when you get back to your job, the lack of compassion because well, you have three other children, it was for the best, yeah well tell that to my HEART, tell that to my BODY that wants her back IN THERE so she can finish growing!! The ANGER-the INSANE amounts of ANGER because I still looked so pregnant afterwards and people asking how it all was going, and "when is your due date again??" because so many didn't KNOW what had occurred and the trainwreck of having to give THEM the sad news. PURE TORTURE.
In my grief now, it's a different thing. I don't melt down as often. Two years out, I no longer battle hormones, I find JOY in the world, I can think of her and SMILE. I can see other babies and be SUPER happy for those parents knowing NONE of my experiences. I find that I can hug my Quinton out of nowhere because I can look at his nose and see my baby Emerie, that had exactly her big brother's nose.
I see pink roses and smile because in the one thing I COULD do for her, the memorial service, I was able to put together these beautiful baskets filled with pink roses and even found a perfect heart shaped pink, strawberry scented candle to have lit. Now, when I think of her, I will buy roses on my way home and set them in a vase, glass, whatever I have, and they create a sense of beauty in our home, and will light a candle for her.
Like today, my green candles lit, the pretty pink roses on my counter top, sadness for another family in a very painful situation, and strange joy I feel that my Emerie has a new play mate today, an eight month old baby boy I will be attending the funeral of in the morning.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
